I've decided to document this life changing experience. moving around for some people is so easy, but there are many people like myself who have lived in their homes their entire lives. I've travelled to many places, but have yet to stay away from home for more than a month. this is my first time presenting myself with such a challenge. challenge may not be the correct term, but for right now, sitting on the plane, thinking about my life, my family, and my friends challenging is the perfect word. unfortunately i have to worse seat in the plane tonight, the last seat, which happens to be right next to the bathroom, which stinks.
I have been so comfortable and blessed to live my life the way i have. i impulsively took this job in california because i felt like it was time to shake things up a bit. my life in new jersey is far from boring, but it is comfortable. i have managed to spend 2009 working my ass of to make 2010 the year to truly change my life. 2009 was by far the strangest year as of yet.
and this is how the story goes....it was december 2008, i was a recent college grad with no direction and no clue what i wanted to do or what i was going to do (like so many of my peers). i applied for so many jobs, but refused to apply for internships (in my mind i felt as a graduate i should automatically be exempt from interning). so of course, without any internship under my belt i couldn't find a job in the publishing/editing world for the life of me. i hung around for a couple weeks relaxing, and then got bored and frustrated.
one thing i always wanted to do was go to culinary school, so after taking matters into my own hands (i couldn't wait for my parents) i made an appointment with my culinary school, took my mom to see it with me and persuaded her to let me go. i knew this is what i wanted. - A college grad asking parents for permission?? How and Why??- well back to my comfort zone- they were paying a lot of my bills. so it took some talking, and i am a talker. anyways
i always wanted to go to culinary school but my parents wanted me to graduate college first and i am so glad they enforced higher education upon me. the moment i walked into my school i knew this is where i needed to be. and so did my mother. on my way home i decided to stop at a bakery where my aunt had been recommending to me for so long, and at this bakery i decided to take on in internship there. so in one day i changed my life, way more than i ever could have even imagined. if someone had told me this is where i was going to be a year later i would have thought they were insane. i stared working at the bakery that same week and i loved it right away. i thought it was the funnest job with the best people, i actually enjoyed going to work every day. then my boss told me that he was getting his own television show and i couldn't even believe it. i remember telling him if he wanted me to leave while they filmed i would, i didn't want to impose or anything. all he did was laugh at me and say why would i want that! you have to be there. it was exciting. everything was fun. we shot the pilot episode and seemed to make TV magic instantly. my boss got his show and everything else snowballed from there. i started school 3 months after i started working, so this time when i went back to culinary school, my head was a tad bit bigger. it seemed as though i was one of the few who now had a background in pastry arts and baking. i remember feeling so glad that i was blessed with opportunity to have such a great internship. i would go to work everyday before class and would come home so beat and tired that my social life slowly diminished. my life soon became nothing but school and work. the show took off, school was passing me by faster than i thought it would and i was still happy. i decided to stay at the bakery after school because it just felt like it was best for me, and on one of my two days off i decided that i would work in a restaurant just so that i wouldn't completely lose all the techniques that i learned in school (something that i am so happy i did). so my life was literally all work, with one day to rest (resting never seemed to happen). the pure adrenaline of working kept me going always and i thought it would never catch up to me. well obviously i was wrong because it caught up, and boy o boy did it catch up to me. working 12-18 hour days was putting such a strain on me. the end of summer is when i think i finally broke. everything just wasn't the same for me, i was beginning to get restless and frustrated. my lack of sleep, exercise and socializing was taking a toll on me. i kept working though because i had no other choice, and it wasn't that bad. I just started to believe that this is life. you wake up everyday and everyday go to work, and then come home, do what needs to be done and then that is it. o man, the realities of life were sinking in and i couldn't take it.
it was late november that i got a offer from a friend of mine who i went to culinary school with. he said i am opening a restaurant in los angeles, do you want to be my pastry chef? i must have been so vulnerable at that point that i was like - yeah sure dude, why not? so i thought about it a little ( actually i probably didn't think at all) because i decided to actually do it. it just seemed like it was time to move on and do something i could do- and challenge myself (bigtime!). there was no reason why i couldn't move. i had to tell my boss and my family. when i finally did break the news to everyone, they were all stoked, some were disbelieving, but not anymore.
everyone seemed genuinely happy for me.
i am happy for me.
as i sit here on the plane, i am finally thinking. i am the one who is in complete disbelief. these past couple weeks were such a blur that it is finally hitting me now that i moved. i did it. i am on the plane, with a computer that is dying, finally thinking (and writing) about what i am about to do. no matter what happens in california, i already changed my life. i don't know what is going to happen next, and it scares the shit out of me that i don't know but i am trying not to think like that (because i usually don't). maybe it is because i am finally alone (I've spent that last couple weeks in new jersey surrounded by friends and family at every hour, literally). i haven't had much alone time, its really refreshing, even though an hour ago i was freaking out. i did freak out, and i probably will continue every once in a while bug out and second guess my decision to leave, but like so many people have said to me 'hey if it doesn't work out, at least you have something to go back to' and they are right. if i don't like it i will leave, but i don't want to 'quit' i want to succeed and be happy. i have a feeling i will, but i know for a fact it is going to take some time. i have a huge issue with impatience so i hope that doesn't interfere with any decision making i have to deal with in the weeks to come. i am scared to be alone and actually feel lonely. i have been so lucky my entire life to be able to be alone and not be lonely, but now i am going to learn what it feels like. i left some people behind at home, and some of them are going to be kept in the past no matter what, but for the most part, all the people i left are all my future. i know for a fact that i do want to get back to the east coast for a little. i hope to keep writing, keep up with a blog (one that hopefully will not be as personal as this one) and i am going to have fun. i am going to enjoy every minute of this experience because i know i can. everything that i am going to be doing will be fueled by passion and excitement, and that is what will lead me to where i want to be (well at least i hope so). i deleted every posting that i ever put up on my blog because i always reread it and hated it but as a part of the 'new me' i am going to be more confident in my writing. my motto is 'if you don't like, thats fine' (which translate to go fuck yourself- huh no but really) ha! the plane stinks and i have decided to sign off. and the lady with the runs next to me has to get up to the bathroom once again so i am am out. and plus my computer is going to die because i didn't charge it before i left. i was in a rush to leave ethat i didn't even get to spend quality time with my family before i left. i just gave quick half assed hugs and said my goodbyes. this is it for now.
westwood - 1937.
